I have always wanted to be loving, kind, relaxed, fun and engaging with my storms. But the truth be told I am worn down or worn out. I find most of the time I have to tell them off. I long for times when I don't have to tell them off. I long for times when it's not just one everlasting discipline day. It's not easy at the best of times but now I am fasting I feel that sense of inadequacy quite acutely. I look at myself and think shouldn't I be doing better.
Please do not misunderstand me I have wonderful storms who I love with all my being. These kids though are not easy on me. With everyone else they are the Angels I know them to be. But with me they spend all their energy testing their boundaries and their mummy. This makes for amazing kids but at times it makes for a mummy who spends a lot of time close to tears. They are amazing but also infuriating. I am so incredibly proud of all they have achieved but I wish some of the fun everyone else has would run off on me.
Today is Friday. We are preparing for sabbath. To be honest that's what we should be doing. What will be doing? Battling over playtime, dinner time, bath time, reading time and most importantly bed time. At this point I will be ready to concede it's sabbath and I should rest!
I am praying during this fast that this pattern changes. I really want to be more involved with the children positively. I want their experience of parenting to be positive. I want them not to associate my name with hate which is what they currently say when they say mummy. I want it to be better than it is. I want to look back in years to come and smile at the fun.
God can do anything and my heart is willing and ready for change.
Maybe this 40 day fast won't be so bad after all.