40 Day Fast - Peace

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! (Isaiah 26:3 NLT) 

Peace. I crave it more than happiness. I think currently the world overrates happiness. They pursue at all costs. Problem is the cost can be at the expense of peace. 

Peace is that calm in your soul. I love that God gives us peace that passes all understanding. That in the face of all chaos you can breathe and not faint. I have been in my share of crappy situations and I have to say it's peace that has gotten me through not happiness. 

So during this time maybe I will search for peace.  

Going Dutch

I am sitting in a coffee shop. Drinking a very large beverage with a good book The Highway Code for Happiness. It has occurred to me I need to journal my journey. 

It comes as no surprise to you that I am a pastor. It comes as no surprise to you that someone would hire me in such a role.  What might be more surprising is that I am packing up everything and leaving England for Holland to do this role. It is so exciting. But at the same time it's hard work. 

Here I will share my journey to going Dutch. So far I have learnt one thing. If I don't learn the language I am completely an utterly stuffed! 

Language is important! 

So even though the Dutch language is challenging I will do my best to get to grips with it. But before I can even do rhy I have to learn to drive. Write and read a whole load of stuff.  Move house change children schools. And there is a million things inbetween. It's not impossible but the real title of this should be Going Dutch with Nothing. 

I am going Dutch with nothing but willingness to do what God has asked of me.  

I have no finances to make any of this happen. I just have super willingness to move when told to move. It shall be interesting to see how all this pains out. 

God can do anything. So I am going to clean out my ears (in other words heart and brain) and get with his programme. 

I am going Dutch on a budget with a family. Bring it on!

40 Day Fast

I am enjoying the fast. Well kind off. I must confess the downside is feeling inadequate. I don't say that lightly. As a mother of two hugely energetic sensory storms no two days are the same. But now I am fasting and intentionally trying to lift my mind higher I find myself increasingly disappointed at my parenting ability. 

I have always wanted to be loving, kind, relaxed, fun and engaging with my storms. But the truth be told I am worn down or worn out.  I find most of the time I have to tell them off. I long for times when I don't have to tell them off. I long for times when it's not just one everlasting discipline day. It's not easy at the best of times but now I am fasting I feel that sense of inadequacy quite acutely. I look at myself and think shouldn't I be doing better. 

Please do not misunderstand me I have wonderful storms who I love with all my being. These kids though are not easy on me. With everyone else they are the Angels I know them to be. But with me they spend all their energy testing their boundaries and their mummy. This makes for amazing kids but at times it makes for a mummy who spends a lot of time close to tears. They are amazing but also infuriating. I am so incredibly proud of all they have achieved but I wish some of the fun everyone else has would run off on me. 

Today is Friday. We are preparing for sabbath. To be honest that's what we should be doing. What will be doing? Battling over playtime, dinner time, bath time, reading time and most importantly bed time. At this point I will be ready to concede it's sabbath and I should rest! 

I am praying during this fast that this pattern changes. I really want to be more involved with the children positively. I want their experience of parenting to be positive.  I want them not to associate my name with hate which is what they currently say when they say mummy. I want it to be better than it is. I want to look back in years to come and smile at the fun. 

God can do anything and my heart is willing and ready for change.  

Maybe this 40 day fast won't be so bad after all. 

40 day fast - sadness

Today I was prepared for a different kind of day. Yesterday there was physical pain today took me by surprise. So it seems the habit of putting stuff in my mouth is going to be a hard challenge to break but I am willing to give it a try. However today was not all about that. 

I have to say it surprised me that sadness could overtake me today. I don't know why sadness can happen anytime to anyone so why should I be surprised now. But there I was at the end of the day overwhelmed by sadness and sleeping. It can happen to anyone at anytime. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I have accepted that today. 

Today I acknowledge that life has taken its toil on me. I have changed at my core.  It would be nice to one day have my core back. But should it never return I need to find a new resting place at peace with God. Maybe this 40 day fast is just for that. 

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32 NLT)

40 day fast - pain

This is the second day of my 40 day fast. God has truly blessed me. Today I realised my greatest challenge was not to absent mindedly put food in my mouth. I am being taught to be present for every breath. 

I realise now that too often my mind is on autopilot. Get through the day without really taking in what is happening. I miss so much with the kids when I am like that. I don't celebrate the little things. 

The pain however is real and today I realised that maybe just maybe the reason my mind has wondered is because my body has given up on me. The more in control of my diet and mind I become the more pain I feel in my body. I cannot account for it yet but I am grateful that my pain threshold has been challenged enough for me to bear quite a lot now.  

So day 2 I am smiling through the pain let's see what day three has in store for me. 

Bucket List

I will start this post by telling the truth. I do not have a bucket list. Despite numerous inspirational moments when it has crossed my mind I don't have one. I am not going to do one either. 

So why am I writing the post. I was sitting watching Bones and this particular episode was based on the bucket list. Everyone had a bucket list except the main character. The conclusion of the episode she says she has all she needs so why does she need a bucket list. 

Do I have all I need? Well need yes but my life doesn't look all fancy like hers? No no no. I have a long way to go. But here is the thing if I spend my life chasing a list of things won't I always feel unfulfilled. I have chosen a different route. Acceptance and joy. Joy doesn't require lots of stuff it requires peace and acceptance. Oh and most importantly God! Big smile  

Staring a 40 day fast

I have been thinking about longer fasts for many years. Have I done anything about it? No. I have always been, well, a little scared if I am honest. I love food and the thought that I couldn't cope without it for 40 days was quite overwhelming. But this weekend I made the decision to give it a try. 

Normally you would do this with a prayer partner but at this time in my life I am quite alone. Probably need the fast in that case. You should probably have good reasons for doing a fast and furthermore it helps if you are following a good programme. So here is the thing I have none of those thing.  The only thing I have is a desire to fast, the faith to do it and te hope that it will be a life enhancing experience which I will stick to. 

So what's my plan. Well I am going to fast all day from food. I will have only drinks and at a push fruit but no food hall pass my lips. I have several bible reading plans on the go at the moment so I am going to use those till they run out and then ask God to help me find something appropriate when they run out. As to the prayer partner well since I don't have one I am going to write it all down here as I go along to make sure I am actually doing what I am supposed to. 

I have a prayer request a mile log and hope that I will be at peace throughout the whole journey. Guess what? I am actually relieved to be doing this with you. 

My first challenge today was not to put random food from the kids in my mouth. I avoided all other food but random bits as I was making or sharing or left overs jheeze. How often do I pop something in my mouth. So today I pray for better habits! 

God bless